Washington D.C. (APW). Donald Trump today conceded the 2020 election to Joe Biden. Speaking before an orderly crowd on the steps of the Capitol, Trump said, “I was wrong to claim the vote was stolen. Nothing of the sort happened. I should have gone along with a close result, as Richard Nixon and Al Gore did, honorably, in similar situations. I apologize for putting democracy in peril.”
From the White House, President Biden accepted Trump’s apology, inviting him and Melania to dinner. “For my part it’s past time I admitted my family has been taking kickbacks for years,” Biden said. “We were wrong. The money will be donated to charity.”
From Buckingham Palace, King Charles told a press conference he reconciled with Harry. “He’s my son and I love him,” Charles said. “Life is too short to bicker. I love my daughter-in-law too.”
From Texas, Alex Jones said he would pay what he owes to the Sandy Hook families, while admitting his lies. “I behaved shamefully,” Jones told reporters. “I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.”
From Hollywood, Janet Yang, head of the Oscars organization, said major studios will stop sensationalizing violence and no longer pose stars with guns. “The movies have shied away from cigarettes for a generation,” Yang explained, “because people imitate what they see, yet the movies glorify murder. The result is society has less smoking and more mass shootings, exactly what you’d expect. This must change.”
In Beijing, Xi Jinping announced the release of all political prisoners and the establishment of a bill of rights. “History shows that free nations are the strongest ones,” Xi said. “I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to understand.”
In Rome, Pope Francis declared the Church would liquidate its $30 billion in wealth and invest the yield in developing-world clean water. Francis explained, “Christ said, ‘Sell your possessions, give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.’ The Vatican should have listened to Jesus centuries ago.”
In Bryant Pond, Maine, Tucker Carlson admitted, “I lost my moral compass, and would say anything for money and power. I’m so sorry.”
In Washington, D.C., Anthony Fauci admitted, “I lost my moral compass, and would do anything to get attention. I’m so sorry.”
In Los Angeles, the 38-year-old LeBron James signed a 20-year contract extension with the Lakers. “There’s no reason I can’t play well into my 50s,” James said, cutting a news conference short by adding, “You’ll have to excuse me, I need to be on time for practice.”
In Washington D.C., American Federation of Teachers head Randi Weingarten apologized that her union demanded lowered standards and public school shutdowns even as private schools stayed open and kept standards high. “Our actions put minority children farther behind in life,” she said. “From now on kids come first.”
In Florida, Gov. Ron DeSantis told a rally it was hypocritical for him to seek publicity by denouncing education when he himself benefitted from attending Harvard and Yale. “I have shown poor character,” DeSantis said. “I can be better than this.”
In Manhattan, Def Jam Records declared, “From now on, lyrics must be intelligible.”
In Reykjavik, Iceland, Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Vladimir Putin met to sign the peace treaty ending the Ukraine War. “We shouldn’t fight, we should be brothers,” Putin said. “I don’t know why it took me so long to understand.”
And from Bethesda, Maryland, All Predictions Wrong wished everyone a happy April Fools Day.