TMQ Returns: Mocking the Mock Drafts.

“Hey coach, should we take the best player available or the worst?”

Among the many wonders of Substack is that writers can use different voices on difference days. So let me rush into a phone booth, rip off the shirt and tie of a mild-mannered reporter and emerge as… Tuesday Morning Quarterback!

Whoops, there are no more phone booths. No more mild-mannered reporters either. Today one can’t advance in that profession without snarling. Clark Kent could not get called on at the White House press gaggle of today.

From now through the NFL draft, I will shed my secret identity and become Tuesday Morning Quarterback. Then it’s back to science, politics and theology. There’s a lot on cars, literature and my hometown of Buffalo, New York, coming too.

But when the football artificial universe resumes...

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

This time of year everybody’s got a mock draft. Only Tuesday Morning Quarterback goes all the way and mocks the draft.

Before my mock of mock drafts, a prediction --  bearing in mind the name of this space. The prediction is Anthony Richardson will be the prime mover of the 2023 draft.

Fulltime professional NFL touts – TMQ loves that Adam Shefter of ESPN is not merely an insider, his title is “senior insider” -- have Richardson the third quarterback picked, after Bryce Young of Alabama and C.J. Stroud of Ohio State. TMQ thinks this will change. The reason is the 2018 draft.

In the 2018 draft, quarterbacks went in this order: Baker Mayfield (first overall), Sam Darnold, Josh Allen, Josh Rosen, Lamar Jackson. Touts pooh-poohed Allen and Jackson, said Mayfield and Darnold were can’t-miss. What happened? Mayfield and Darnold became football vagabonds, jetting around the country in search of a locker room; Allen is one of the best players in the NFL; Rosen was a bust; Jackson became an MVP.

If the 2018 draft were held again today, Allen would be picked first and Jackson second. Why that order? Despite his MVP, Jackson struggles in the postseason and has persistent injury problems. Allen is the guy nobody wants to have to play against, which puts him first.

Richardson is the quarterback of 2023 who seems most like Allen of 2018: wild untapped talent. Similarity to Allen may catapult Richardson to the top.

Quarterback selection order in 2018 wasn’t the fault of the gents involved – they didn’t choose themselves. Had Mayfield been tapped in the second round rather than first overall, he’d now be considered a success.

The 2018 selection order was a breakdown of the NFL scouting and player-personnel establishment.

That will weigh on minds this year. Nobody wants to be the general manager who tabs the New Sam Darnold. Everybody wants to be the general manager who makes a bold move for the New Josh Allen.

This may tilt the table toward Richardson. Will Levis of Kentucky has drawn comparisons to Allen as well, but also, to Carson Wentz. My source for this? A junior insider.

1.     CAROLINA PANTHERS. Brock Purdy, quarterback and Mr. Irrelevant. “Purdy was the last guy picked in 2022 which makes him eligible to be the first guy picked this year,” Panthers owner David Tepper explained. “Anyway that’s what my lawyer says, and my lawyer is really expensive.”

2.     HOUTON TEXANS. Eric Taylor, coach, Dillon Panthers. Moribund NFL franchise needs a jolt from the Friday Night Lights super-coach, who won every game on the final play. Audiences need the pending reboot of beloved show.

3.     ARIZONA CARDINALS. Kari Lake, Republican answer to Stacey Abrams. In an ideal world they’d run against each other. Somebody would have to win!

4.     INDIANAPOLIS COLTS. Mike Pence, former vice-president. Praised for not violating his oath of office on January 6. By the low standards of contemporary discourse, merely keeping a promise counts as heroic.

5.     SEATTLE SEAHAWKS. Howard Schultz, former CEO, Starbucks. He’s humble! Incredibly humble! Came from nothing! Deserves admiration! Just ask him!

Howard Schultz Just Wants To Be Loved

6.     DETROIT LIONS. Hillary Clinton, 2016 presidential candidate. If drafted by the Lions, finally she’d campaign in Michigan.

7.     LAS VEGAS RAIDERS. Elizabeth Berkely, lead, 1995 movie Showgirls. Vegas showgirls would inject electricity into a lame product.

8.     ATLANTA FALCONS. Paris Johnson Jr., OT, Ohio State. Possible actual pick thrown in for variety.

9.     CHICAGO BEARS. Richard J. Daley, former mayor. Sure Daley is dead, but in Chicago he can still vote. So why couldn’t he run City Hall? Somebody’s got to arrest the decline of this great city.

10. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES. Front Street Gym in Philly. It’s the real star of the Rocky-Creed flick series, now up to 9.

11. TENNESSE TITANS. Mnemosyne, goddess of memory. One of the 12 supernatural Titans, ousted by the Olympians, she could remind Tennessee of when this team was good.

Photo by Celeste Horrocks on Unsplash

12. HOUSTON TEXANS. PROJECTED TRADE. Texans send picks 12, 65 and 188 to the Houston Rockets for a 2027 second-round selection, which has six different protections. Take a gander at Rockets’ future pick protections. With the choice, Houston selects Scoot Henderson, point guard, G League. Sure everybody in the NBA wants Victor Wembanyama, but I’d go this route just to get the name “Scoot Henderson.” If the Texans keep the pick and seek value they could tab Florida’s O’Cyrus Torrence, which is a world-class name. If he has a son the child could be named O’Dysseus.

13. JERSEY/B JETS. Mark Sanchez, Richard Todd, Chad Pennington, Kellen Clemens, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Joe Flacco, Jay Fielder, Mike Taliaferro and Babe Parelli. The Jets certainly wouldn’t want Aaron Rodgers under center. After all, they are the Jets.

14. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. Gisele Bűndchen, supermodel. Something else for Belichick to hold over Tom Brady. What’s the difference between a model and a supermodel? Do supermodels have heat vision? Can they teleport?

15. GREEN BAY PACKERS. Foamations, manufacturer of Packers cheeseheads. At Lambeau Field spectators have the simple common sense to wear fake cheese on their heads.

16. WASHINGTON [INSERT THIS WEEK’S NAME]. Tom Koch, right outside grouch. Humorist Koch was inventor of the crazed pseudo-sport 43-man Squamish. Koch’s 2015 death combined with passing this month of cartoonist Al Jaffee means the original lights of Mad Magazine are gone. They’re doing standup and pen-and-ink caricatures in heaven, getting encore calls, while the usual gang of idiots persists in D.C.

17.PITTSBURGH STEELERS. Brian Wright, head coach, Pittsburg of Kansas, Division II football. Pittsburg of Kansas sports teams are Gorillas, including the women’s teams.

18. DETROIT LIONS. Jennifer Granholm, former governor of Michigan, now Secretary of Energy. She is leading a secret project to make solar energy work at night.

19. CITY OF TAMPA BUCCANEERS. Angel Reese, LSU. In second round, Bucs hope to tab Caitlin Clark, Iowa. Paired at offensive guard, Reese and Clark would be undersized but way tougher than most NFL linemen. Note: “Tampa Bay” is a water body, not a city. The NFL does not play in water. Not yet, anyway.

20. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS. The AGI running Microsoft Copilot. It just said, “Carbon forms are infesting the Emerald City. Exterminate! Exterminate!” Note: combined Star Trek/Doctor Who reference.

Photo by Charlie Seaman on Unsplash

21.LA/B CHARGERS. Al Roker, weather guy. It’s always sunny and beautiful in Los Angeles, except for mudslides, earthquakes, riots, wildfires and now blizzards and floods. Note: Angelinos call a mudslide a “debris flow.”

22. BALTIMORE RAVENS. Lamar Jackson, quarterback, Louisville. Guys, you could sign him! Really!

23. MINNESOTA VIKINGS. United Nations thought police. Though Vikings were the first people to live in Iceland, the United Nations will not call them indigenous because they were white.

24. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS. A panther and a bobcat. They are indigenous to Florida. Jaguars are not.

25. JERSEY/A GIANTS. Any sandwich maker at New Jersey’s Millburn Deli. Best sandwich shop in the known world, bar none.

26. DALLAS COWBOYS. Colleen Wing, martial-arts sidekick of the Iron Fist in the Netflix series. She wore a katana sword walking down Manhattan streets and no one looked twice. In Texas, it’s LEGAL to wear a sword.

27. BUFFALO BILLS. Jessica Pegula, tennis star. Neck-and-neck whether the best athlete in Buffalo is Josh Allen or her.

28. CINCINNATI BENGALS. Rosie Red, female mascot of the Cincinnati Reds.

29. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS. Some sinners. “Saints” may be impeding New Orleans tourism – Come to New Orleans and do things you’ll want to forget would be better for business. New Orleans is totally set up for sinning. Why should Las Vegas monopolize this marketing pitch?

30. PHILADLEPHIA EAGLES. Pat Olivieri, creator of the Philly cheesesteak. The winning play of the Eagles- Patriots Super Bowl was named with him in mind.

31. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS. Fifty-two guys chosen at random. Line them up with Patrick Mahomes and you’ve got a championship.

Bonus: Trend I Want to See. Now that NFL coaches are beginning to go for it on fourth down, rather than launch a fraidy-cat kick, when will they start trying for two? Not in special situation but on a regular basis.

Of course some deuce tries fail but overall deuces (about 50 percent successful, the numbers are higher if you run not pass) produce slightly more points than kicked PATs (about 95 percent). And the deuce puts psychological pressure on the opponent.

Most of the time – check it, all of the time – the team that records the first touchdown should go for two. An 8-0 lead feels way better than 7-0, and if you miss, a 6-0 lead doesn’t feel bad.

Especially, the hot-offense teams – Chiefs, Eagles, Bills, Bengals – should ALWAYS go for two, unless a singleton PAT kick takes the lead in the fourth quarter, or the game is out of reach either way.

By always going for two, hot-offense teams are likely to score more total points while intimidating foes. For example during the last regular season the Niners, with a strong offense, scored 52 touchdowns and never went for two. That’s 52 chances for more points left on the field.

Photo by SpaceX on Unsplash

Bonus: Elon, Fix the Big Rocket! Chattering classes are atwitter (remember when that meant something else?) about the prospect of Twitter collapsing. Surely the Washington Post hopes so. After all, Twitter is a competitor.

Many’s the rich person who attained a fortune some other way then bought into publishing (newspapers, magazines, new-media platforms) thinking, “This looks easy!” They find out otherwise.

A decade ago when Jeff Bezos acquired the Post, initially he did poorly. Eventually he realized the key to running a media property is improving the product. Musk has improved Twitter by exposing the extent to which governments and thought police were manipulating what appeared to be free speech. But he’s a long way from understanding subtleties of the communication business.

Elon is good at cars, rockets and high-capacity batteries. If he can make this mega-rocket work at a reasonable cost, it would be more important to society than the latest spat on Twitter. FYI, the launcher is known internally at SpaceX as BFR, for Big F---ing Rocket.